UPExit Update – UP to sever all ties with the UAAP

By Gary Gomez

 

UP President Teresa Mayo confirmed that UP’s exit of the UAAP will be a ‘hard’-meaning a complete and total severance of ties- exit, raising fears of Academic and Athletic disaster for the University.

 

SEALED BUNKER, UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – Speaking to a select group of journalists who’ve been blindfolded and sworn to not reveal where the UP Parliament has secluded themselves in, UP Prime Minister and new Leader of the UP Conservative Party Teresa Mayo confirmed that the University of the Philippines will be severing all ties, be they Academic, Athletic, or Romantic,  with the other schools of the UAAP.

 

Teresa said that her government is already beginning the process of leaving the UAAP, and that the rumors that the Conservative leadership is shifting to other Universities like rats fleeing a sinking ship is unfounded.

Political Science students sipping expensive coffees in Starbucks have long predicted that UP’s exit from the UAAP would be a soft exit, where UP would simply “officially” remove itself from the UAAP, withdrawing itself from membership while keeping existing academic and athletic treaties intact.

 

It thus came as a surprise to many analysts that UP would be withdrawing entirely from the UAAP and that they would be renegotiating all agreements and treaties with the other schools of the Metro.

 

“This is like, going to be super disastrous to the UP economy, dude” said Karl Gutierrez, who was sipping a Venti Caramel Macciato with double-soy-raspberry shots, “what the hell is going on there?”

UP has become *very* diverse in the past couple of years
Pictured -UP students protesting the school’s decision to leave the UAAP

Another commentator, Mel Jabroni, said “It’s the alt-right’s fault. They’re schoolist!” she said while taking in the aroma of her Cafe Americano-Caramel-Vanilla infused with Organic Orchids.

 

But UP’s decisions to leave the UAAP don’t come as a surprise to everyone, as UP vendor Kuya Robyn explains – “As a school, we’ve been on a bit of decline lately. Ateneo is catching up to us in terms of Academics, and in Athletics, well, I don’t remember the last time we’ve won gold in a sport that matters. Cheerdance maybe, but soccer? Is that a sport, though? Really? Teresa Mayo believes that what she’s doing can make UP competitive, and she actually believes in what she’s doing. We know that because when the UP’s exit passed the referendum, she stepped up to meet the challenge when everybody else resigned.”

 

Kuya Robyn, a former UP Professor turned Communist Commune leader, says that he disagrees with Teresa Mayo- and the UPExit as a whole- but acknowledges that countering Mayo requires understanding her base and their concerns.

 

“Of course, I’m not saying we should condone any beliefs that are offensive and degrading to human dignity, that’s  undebatable, but a lot of the people who voted for UPExit were just misinformed. As the left, it is our duty to reconnect with these people and strengthen our school by bridging the gaps between us.”

 

Kuya Robyn then said the surest way to bridge gaps was to post lots of memes on Facebook.

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