Duterte Opens New Cabinet Post To Address Vigilante Concerns

Taking cues from the Japanese people’s reception, the Philippine president is currently seeking to learn and implement the ninja code

MALACAÑANG, [Capitalist Hegemony News] – HOKAGE ASPIRANTS, REJOICE, this may just be your chance to do what you love and serve the country. A document in the Official Gazette of the Philippines quotes cabinet spokesperson Ernesto Abella in that “following the warm comments on our president from the Japanese people, a new cabinet position is being drafted. We are currently looking for a Ninja Grandmaster to work alongside the Departments of Justice and National Defense.” The Filipino dojo, a first in any national government since the ending of the Tokugawa shogunate in the late 1800s seeks to “implement honorable execution to members of the state who have abused the mercy of the law and reneged on their second chances to fix themselves.”

“I will kill you, but not if you are innocent. It breaks my heart to see the Filipino suffer from poverty, so what more if a family loses kin from a misplaced shot. That is why I admire the cleanliness of the ninja,” the president stated in a televised interview. After trailing off and flirting with one of the reporters, Duterte returned to topic, “Alam niyo ba, the Americans could not kill Moro swordsmen with .38 caliber bullets, so they had to develop the .44 … So today, the pushers’ .38 bullets will be all the more futile and collateral damage will be lessened if we arm law enforcement with bolos instead of pistols.”

Little do you all know, but Duterte is trained in the art of EJKinjutsu
Little do you all know, but Duterte is trained in the art of EJKinjutsu

For once, academia is in support of the president’s plans: “If there is one thing historically accurate that the administration has sponsored lately, it’s the ninja’s role as the prototypical extrajudicial enforcers in a feudal society,” says San Bernardino Elementary School history substitute teacher, Jojit Craven. He echoes the palace’s statements that although unorthodox and clandestine, the ninja “The institution of the ninja upholds the safety of innocents.” He goes on to cite the Tenchu video game series released by Sony, where players who go Grand Theft Auto and kill bystanders lose many points. “Marcos pa rin, doe,” he adds abruptly as we end the interview.

When pressed for comment, Philippine National Police director Ronald dela Rosa admits that the recent emphasis on further improving police officer marksmanship is aligned with the ninjitsu thrust while at the same time insisting that they still follow standard shootout procedures. “We do not shoot to kill, we only fire if fired upon,” he reiterated as we caught him buying pan de sal. “Look at you, acting like vigilantes, attacking a man lining up for bread,” he quips as he places an extra order for soft drinks. His main concern if such marksmanship can still be applied once officers are issued kunai throwing knives. “I support integrating the code of the ninja in our criminal justice but I also advocate depending on what’s available locally, atin ‘to, pre. Like balisongs.”

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