Breaking News: Nobody is friends with anyone anymore
Facebook reported a record-breaking number of unfriends lately, spiking at a rate of around 3,200 unfriends per hour last night.
Facebook’s researchers attribute this sudden spike to the Philippine General Elections, which has been dubbed by Political Analysts as “the Elections That Fucked Us.”
Who you voted for, or whether or not you voted at all, matters not, as now everything has become political, and your opinion, or again, lack thereof, has become a cause for division among peers.
Sociologists blame many of the fights on “You’re an idiot, but I’m not,” syndrome, a variant of the Narcissist Personality Disorder that normally affects people who take themselves, and we quote, “too fucking seriously.”
Professionals with fancy titles who have their degrees hung up on their walls say that YaI-BiN Syndrome is easily treated by taking over-the-counter chill medications, accepting the fact that it’s happened and unless you want to go out and murder someone you can’t really do anything else about it now, or by watching a cute .gif on loop for an hour or until you calm down and start to feel human again.
This reporter, however, would like to butt in with a personal opinion and say that maybe there wouldn’t be so many unfriends if certain people stopped being idiots and stopped believing the words of bullshit blogs and crappy satire websites (which we aren’t, obviously. I mean, we’re crappy, but not satirical. This is all 100% truefacts) and do some god damn fucking resear—
(Editor’s Note – We stopped the writer here and made him watch the .gif down below. We suggest you guys do the same. If today was an example of things to come, we best keep this .gif handy in an emergency “break glass if someone pisses you off” container. God Help Us All.)