39 dead after deadly, world-changing fire started by Ignite

The death toll from the intense inferno that destroyed several buildings in the Loyola Schools campus has now risen to 39 dead and 16 still remain in critical condition. The fire, which began in Rizal Lib and then spread throughout the school and the rest of Katipunan, resulted in 28 Million Pesos in damages. The fire had also destroyed nearly all of the Rizal Lib’s collection, sparing only the demonic and indestructible tomes and grimoires kept, guarded, and used by the Jesuits in the Rizal Lib’s secret -2nd Floor.

#YesAllJesuits
In other news – Grade School students may now borrow books from the -2nd floor collection by submitting proof of parental consent

The Ateneo political party, IGNITE, has taken responsibility for the fire, claiming that while the loss of life was unfortunate, it was a great end to their first GA of the year. IGNITE Chief and de facto leader of the Libertarian fire cult Deedee Turon explained that the entire fire was “all under control” and that they had planned the entire thing as a fun way to end to the day’s politicking and to welcome new members.

She explains – “Look, I get how people must feel about what happened. I mean, sure, we burned down the library and torched half the school and several buildings. Okay, we get it, we burned down an Orphanage and some of us may have went to PAWS as an afterparty to start a fire in the Kittenery, but it was all under control!”

She then blamed the media’s coverage of the event, calling it biased and uneven, claiming that people were trying to discredit their organization. “Nobody’s even talking about how awesome our GA was. There’s more to it than just the closing bonfire ceremony, you know. We held a rally to introduce our newest election candidates, finally decided what we as a party stood for*, and even had graduates of the school and founding members of our party, Melissandre and Shireen Baratheon, give a talk on the importance of fire. The fact that no one is focusing on the positives of our GA is just disappointing, and shows how hard the liberal media is working to tarnish our good name.”

Ms. Baratheon cannot be reached for comment
Ms. Baratheon cannot be reached for comment

She continued venting, saying – “I mean, sure, it was a coincidence that the Guidon’s printing presses were mysteriously burned to a crisp and all records of past election gaffs were charred beyond recognition, but you know, coincidence.” It should be noted that the Guidon’s offices are located off-campus after the budget of the school paper was reallocated to fund the Jesuit Ivory Tower project.

IGNITE splinter faction, ARSON, or the Ayn Rand Student Operating Network, has remained mum and declined to comment regarding the matter. IGNITE rivals, CRUSADA, has not yet released an official reaction, but has stated that many of its people are impressed.

*IGNITE has yet to solidify its new platforms, but mentions that it “will probably include the words grassroots, advocacy, economy, holistic formation, and empowerment.”

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