MVP, LOYOLA – Speaking in front of a crowd of roughly twenty people, roughly ninety-percent of CRUSADA’s supporters, CRUSADA Premier and Lord Crusader, Juancho Francisco formally declared war on the Ateneo Junior High School yesterday in a bid to regain Bellarmine Hall.
Dubbing it the Second Atenean Crusade, the SOSS Warlord made a call for all able-bodied Catholics and sympathizers to join his war against the 14-year old infidels.
He claims that the Junior High School students have no right to the land, citing that college students have been using the classrooms for years now and that their people had no say in the building’s changing of hands. “The kafir—, I mean, the unbelievers, are occupying the land where our upperclassmen have historically occupied. They have slept, eaten, and ran hurriedly to Bellarmine Hall for years, that building is our birthright!”
Premier Francisco says that previous attempts at diplomacy have failed as any attempts to walk into Bellarmine resulted in him being turned away by HS security guards. He claims that school officials do not respond to his emails, and have all rejected his proposal that the University and the AJHS “share” the rooms evenly, giving the use of the first floor to the Juniors, and reserving the rest for the use of Loyola School students. “We need some place to hold our very important INTACT classes,” said Gabe Ruiz, Vice-president of Party Policies of CRUSADA, “so we think it is only reasonable that we keep just a bit more classrooms to ourselves. To each according to his need, of course.”
While the AJHS forces outnumber CRUSADA’s forces 41-1, the Premier is unfazed. “Numbers may win battles, but skill and strategy wins wars. They may have more men, but we have cavalry.” He then pointed to a large fleet of SUVs parked behind him, most of which had notches on their front bumpers. “During the first Crusade against Mary’s Knoll (formerly Miriam College), we were able to secure a decisive victory by running down their front gates and smashing through their classrooms with our cars. We are confident that by employing the same tactics of breaking everything we see, we could lower the value of our objective so much that the enemy will eventually give it up because it’s just not worth the trouble.”
When asked if CRUSADA had plans for further Crusades, Premier Francisco stated that the Ateneo should revisit its old plans to annex the University of the Philippines to acquire valuable learningraum from the Communists. He thinks that summertime would be a good time to invade, but also thinks that an invasion during the storm season would help motivate the troops.
Students willing to join the Crusade must sign-up on the CRUSADE! Google Doc, goo.gl/mercilessjustwarforthejesuitholyland