The CBCP has recently released its latest report on the most “morally pure” universities in the country. Topping this year’s list is last year’s runner-up University of Santo Tomas, beating former top-notcher DLSU, which lost its spot due to last month’s notorious Strippergate  scandal. It is now ranked second-to-the-last, beaten only by the University of the Philippines System (due to UP’s egalitarian policies, all schools within the UP education system are all equally inclusive and morally bankrupt, which goes well with its own financial bankruptcy.) The fourth top-4 school, Ateneo De Manila University, now scores at second place, three ranks above its position last year
Other schools were listed in the report, but nobody really wants to talk about them, do they?
The American Capitalist Hegemony was able to interview representatives from the different schools during the award ceremony for the Filipino Morals Awards. School Theocrat, Fr. Benjamin Nestor, accepted the championship habit for UST. Fr. Nestor also won the prestigious Moral Crusader award, and in his acceptance speech said:
“Just because this country is going to the devil does not mean that we should too.”
He vowed to continue his crusade against liberalism, secularism, and certain schools and religious organizations he did not wish to name. Before returning to his seat, he pulled out a can of lemonade and began to drink it saying “My throat’s really dry, excuse me. Glug, glug, glug, aaahhhh”
For his part, the Ateneo delegate replied to his colleague’s challenge by shouting out “Well fuck you too, bro.”
On the other side of the spectrum, UP has once again snubbed the awards ceremony, releasing a statement saying that they didn’t wish to legitimize the event with their presence or support. Sources close to UP, however, claim that school officials are heartbroken over their loss, and that a few members are drinking to dull the pain.
While UST was this year’s winner, most eyes were fixated on DLSU’s representative, Charles Sibakim, who was forced to awkwardly answer questions about the recent controversies surrounding DLSU, its sister schools, and their relations with its female students
“Wait, don’t phrase it that way!” said the school’s assistant dean, “That sounds like we had sex with them! Professor-student relationships almost never happen anymore!”
“We just want to say that we apologize for the offensive segment of the Alumni homecoming event that happened on school grounds.. It was just one part of our program, and, we had–“
“had more offensive performances right after that one! Like one guy eating a rosary!” heckled Ateneo President Jeff Villar.
“Shut up, Jeff, your school glorifies Marcos,” he retorted, referencing the time when Imelda Marcos was invited to Ateneo by students as a guest of honor.
“As I was saying, there were more wholesome activities planned for the night and we think it’s unfair to judge the entire event because of that dance.”
“But isn’t it hypocritical to have scantily-clad dancers perform for school alumni while your schools uphold a strict dress-code policy?”
“Well, only if you think about it too much. But if you must know, our school is doing everything to make up for it. I mean, we had a priest give a talk on marriage and stuff. Women like that, right?”
“Wait, what? He said that?”
“Yeah, it’s all over Facebook.”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“Uh, sorry press conference over.”