Ask Hal – Breaching the Great Wall (Part 1)

Hal! The girl actually likes me! The problem is, her parents don’t. But I’m a good boy! A typical hardworking college student. But I’m not Chinese.

– Igorototoy, SOSS 2017


Many have tried to scale the Great Wall – and failed, falling as feed for those fucking humongous fish in the Emperor’s garden! A common Atenean problem, what withal the belief by typical Asian parents that a good name must come and go from and to a good school.


Here are some tried and tested methods with regards to courting a Chinese girl, tried and tested since the time barbarians captured in combat were being taken in as slaves for our chinky friends.


1) Offer to meet with the parents (rather than the other way around) – they’d like that actually; you taking the initiative. It gives them the idea that you are naive and gung-ho, and they will feel confident that you will fall for all the traps they have laid for you. But as Sun Tzu has said, strike when they least expect it.


2) The Chinese value strength, and wish to see you integrate it into your character.

So don’t just knock on the door.

Knock it down, using Western siege machinery that could’ve destroyed the Great Wall of China during its time.

2a) Or better yet, remind them of their defeats during the Opium Wars, by ‘befriending’ the security guards and bribing them with a higher salary. Then again, you’re just in college and if your father isn’t willing to spare a galleon for your foray into the New World, you can try getting them high.

Your friends from Taft could help there.

(So it becomes a full-fledged quest of a hero and his companions.)

Sun Tzu reminds us to turn our enemies’ friends against him.


3) You will them come across a hamlet containing their peasants, “kwarto ni yaya”, they say. This is one of their last chances to bargain for your favour. If they concede their daughter, then graciously throw a wedding banquet all the while threatening the parents (the guests of honor) with a re-invasion with no quarter this time.

3a) However, if they resist, remember the guards you befriended? Use them to pillage and rape the “yayas”, if you are tempted to do the deed yourself, remember that a higher prize awaits you, young lordling.


EDITOR’S NOTE: ACH does not condone the act of pillaging or raping, but given the fact that we share offices with a small Mongolian Khanate, we can’t explicitly say that it’s bad.


4) Regardless of which method you’ve chosen, eventually, you’ll be face to face with the clan patriarch and matriarch. This part is entirely yours, navigate and bargain depending on how they treat you, wu-wei, like the river flows and all that shit. It would be better to play all your cards at this point, as you have the military and political advantage anyway.


5) Given the results of the proceedings, either burn the keep and execute the male descendants of the clan, stealing the bride, or if they have ties with the Philippine National Police, be content with brokering a peace deal and trade accord (obviously in your favour) in the form of a political wedding (with hot, steamy. . .fish served with leeks and garlic, of course).


Follow these tips, make them your own, and you won’t just be one of Genghis Khan’s lieutenants begging for one of his concubines, no, Genghis will beg to be your concubine.


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