Ask Hal – “Competitive Romancing and the Paleo Diet”

Ask Hal is a totally legit column where our professional pimp, “M. Hal Amore, PhD,” answers all your burning questions. He’s an expert on love, science, and alcohol. You can submit your own questions here:


Dear Dr. Amore,

So I met this girl in Philosophy class, she’s really cute and funny and I think we really clicked. Thing is, she’s also the only girl in her block (AB Filipino Lit) and there are like, lots of other guys crushing on her. I estimate at least four coming from her block, and two other guys in our class. I’m just a geeky guy from the Health Sciences, what can I do to win her heart and steer her away those huge, Literature jocks? 

– Wimpy, BS Health Sciences, 2017


Everyone likes an underdog, that’s a well-established fact, but not all of them like-like them. Lots of women go for the cute, adorkable geek, but those who do are the ones who aren’t worth fighting for. You’re from SOSE, so you should know that only the alpha male (or alpha female) get to bang. Son, this is what we in the Romantic Sciences call a pack situation and what you gotta do is to alpha yourself up,  show that girl you’re a real man, a big slab of beef and testosterone, just as nature intended. This sends a message to all the other potential suitors as well, it shows them that you’re no beta, you’re the pack leader, and only your genes will survive to the next generation.


With that, I suggest you start following my trademarked Paleo Lifestyle. It takes the Paleo diet to the next level where instead of just eating like a Neanderthal, you hunt, fight, and live like a Caveman. Polo shirts and boat shoes? Fuck that, that’ll only make you look like a pussy. No, what you gotta do is wear furs and leather, show  the world that you’re a great hunter. Don’t buy food from JSEC or Gonzaga, hunt your own fucking food, or gather fruits and roots from SOM forest. Also, when you bathe, stick to water. No soap, just use your natural scent as your man perfume.

You can scare these guys off by peeing all over the classroom while shouting “MY TERRITORY”

When you enter your Philo class next week, I guarantee that with all the exercise you get  hunting cats and fighting wild dogs, your natural bod (and scent!) will intimidate all the other guys. Females will be naturally attracted to you, because you know, genetics. Ignore them and go after your girl. At first they’ll be offended because they didn’t get chosen as the alpha female, just shrug them off, their rage will only fuel their desire for you. Offer your love a dead rabbit, or maybe your bow and arrow, show her that you’re a provider. If she rejects you, beat up her best (male) friend or defeat her father in single combat, that always works.



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