OSCI to incoming students: We accept everyone, even heretics

The Associate Dean of the Office of the School Commissar and Inquisition (OSCI), Professor Guile Lutin, commented on the increasing number of questions rising in ADMUSF about the school’s position on known enemies of the Church like Atheists, Homosexuals, and People who wear Crocs (PWWCs.)

OSCI personnel in uniform

“We accept all students, regardless of their past or current state of being. Students who may have, or still continue to, dabble in the heretical ways of the hedonists and sodomites, are still welcome to study in the Ateneo. We will welcome them with open arms, then hold them down as we forcefully baptize them in water, oil, and…” he gestures to the long, cruciform sword he was sharpening as we talked, “steel if need be.”


When asked if students were allowed to “opt-out” of the Baptism, then they would “eventually come around.” He then explains that it is hard to study in the Ateneo if you were an atheist. “We have ways of making them see.”


He then goes on by saying that atheists who may try to hide their irreligious leanings will be easily rooted out. “We’ve been hunting heretics for years, mind you; we know all their tricks, where they get their powers, and (he coughs) and their weaknesses.”


He then explains why the school has installed faucets by the entrances of all the school’s important buildings. He says “everyone knows that atheists can’t walk over running water!”

But he also admits that the enemies of the church are getting craftier: “Before, we knew that heretics always wore dark hoods, jeans, or mini-skirts. Now that clothing is less restrictive, we  had to look at other marks of evil to identify atheists. We have found that atheists normally wear fedoras, it’s how they signal to other atheists. It’s one of the first things we look for.”


He reminds everyone, however, that while there is no escaping the Atenean Inquisition, they’re not as savage or nosy as their Spanish ancestors: “You will be given a warning, we will not try to surprise you at all. You will be given a three-day period to change your ways and convert back to Christianity, if we have found you lacking in faith and virtue when the period is over, only then will we spirit you away in the dead of night.”


Before we parted ways, he also reiterated the school’s stance of believers of other faiths: “All faiths are allowed here, so long as you accept Jesus as your lord and savior.”
He also explains that students who wear crocs “will never be forgiven” and that the only fitting punishment was “expulsion from the mortal plane, or at least, the school premises..”


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