The Step-by-Step guide to surviving an all-nighter (Non-SOSE Edition)
1) Prepare a pot of Coffee
According to recent surveys, the key to all successful all-nighters is actually staying awake. Energy drinks are okay, but coffee is cheaper and basically does the same thing. It’s important, however, to make sure that you don’t drink too much, as 90% of all successful all-nighters require the student to actually survive the night as well.
2) Gather all the required materials
Books, you’re going to need a lot of books. Pull out those ten library books from your bag, and scour your room for those readings you never actually read. Place them around you in the neatest way possible, and hope to God that your close-proximity to books increases your attention span.
3) Disconnect from the internet
This is going to be the hardest part. In order for you to actually write your paper, you need to stop yourself from posting on Facebook, stalking people on twitter, or watching a crapton of X-rated lolcat gifs. Bid goodbye to your internet friends and put your thinking cap on.
4) Realize that you have no idea what your topic is about
Ease yourself, don’t jump, into a panic. Maybe you should’ve taken up your teacher’s suggestion on basing your topic on something other than X-rated lolcat gifs, or something so insanely academic and serious that you realize why no one wanted to make a paper about it before you.
Start reading those books you borrowed, then realize that simply taking the first ten books you saw was a big mistake. Crack open those readings you paid so much for, read the first few paragraphs, then throw them away. You’d much rather get an F than suffer through five pages devoted entirely to discussing the definition of the word “lolcat.”
At this point, you’ve wasted three precious hours. Seventy-percent of those 180 minutes was spent preparing a pot of coffee and your study table. Sigh. Realize that maybe you shouldn’t be taking advice from this blog. Cry a bit, then pull yourself together after half an hour.
At this point, it should all come naturally to you. Your instincts will kick in. Your teacher told you not to do it, but in desperation you consult Wikipedia and Google. You feel dirty afterwards, but you did what you have to do. You tell yourself that you’re just doing this to get yourself through college, but you know that it was your own bad decisions that led you down this path. I bet Wikipedia won’t even call you back.
6) Write the first few pages
Hey, this isn’t so bad. Maybe all you had to do was start writing. Silly upperclassmen, this two-page paper isn’t so bad! You finish it after an hour. You can now go on Facebook as a reward before you go to bed. Hey, maybe you’ll post a whiney rant about how terror your prof is or like that status posted by your crush saying that “half a sem isn’t enough time to write a paper!”
7) Check the class FB group
Oh, would you look at that. It’s a ten-page paper.
8) BLOCK QUOTES! BLOCK QUOTES, NOW!
The sun is rising, and you’ve got to get to class. In a panic, you start copy-pasting everything.
“Citation is for ninnies!” You shout, tears in your eyes. You quote as much as you can, copy-pasting s and s after each sentence.
9) Go to class and pass it
As you run to class in your My Little Pony pajamas, swear to god that you’ll never, ever take a major subject in the morning ever again. Ever. Morning classes in college are not like those in High School. You get to class just in time. Everyone stares at you because you’re in your pajamas, but then again, so are they. Yay for block unity!
Leave your paper on your teacher’s desk. Conveniently “forget” to staple the reference page in! Oh silly you! Sorry, prof, I’ll give it to you after class! Deep in your heart, however, you know you won’t.
The Step-by-Step guide to surviving an all-nighter (SOSE Edition)
1) Acknowledge the fact that maybe a career in the field of Science just isn’t for you
Fill out the shifting forms for SOH or SOSS. Political science is still a science, right?