DJ Reviews: Uber goes underground with Unter

By Dick Joy

uber
The Unter that took me home after the press conference

 

Undisclosed Location, Manila – To celebrate Uber’s Ninth Anniversary, UberPH held an unorthodox “press conference” at an undisclosed location to discuss the ride-sharing app’s future in the Philippines. We say unorthodox because in organizing the press release, many of Uber’s now-unemployed drivers took to the streets to abduct several of their former fares who they know, through heart-to-heart Ubersations™, were journalists (or in our case, Purveyors of Fake News™).

 

UberPH communication director known pseudonymously as “Black Seat,” gave us a private presentation, detailing the plans for Uber to go “Unterground™” with their new ridesharing app, Unter™.

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UP triggers Article 50, begins process to leave UAAP

UP has become *very* diverse in the past couple of years
Pictured -UP students protesting the school’s decision to leave the UAAP

 

In a speech delivered to the other members of the UAAP, USC Chairperson Teresa Abril formally submitted the papers to pull the University of the Philippines out of the UAAP.

 

“This is a historic day not just for UP, but for all of us,’ said incumbent Chairperson Abril to a shocked parliament of student representatives from the eight Universities. She continued with a smirk, ignoring the reality of the impending athletic collapse of her school, saying, “UP has always enjoyed a long and fruitful relationship with the rest of the Manila University-states, but times change, and UP must now do what is best for UP. We do not see this as the end, we see this as a change of terms, a separation, you know, a re-imagining, while we both sort our shit out.”

“UP just needs a break from the other schools of the UAAP. UST is so overbearing, UE is so needy, and (we) don’t like the way ADMU keeps looking at our student ass(ociations)”

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President Ramos moves forward with plan to build wall along Marikina-Katipunan Border

Leaks from the Office of the President show what the President thinks of the other schools and cities of the Metro
Leaks from the Office of the President show what the President thinks of the other schools and cities of the Metro

 

 

The Committee for University Security (CUS)  has released the first draft of President Ramos’ proposed border wall to the Sanggunians. The plans were released along with a report on student transfers, acceptance rates, as well as crime and dropout statistics for students of Marikenyo descent. The Katipunero was able to get a copy of the Committee’s report, entitled Marikenyos – Bad for the Ateneo, or really bad for the Ateneo?, after passing five FOI requests –of which three were rejected, one was ‘lost,’ and the last was approved but only if we promised not to read it– and one overly-complicated break-in scheme into the CUS chair Stephen Banyo’s office.

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President Ramos implements travel ban on six-Libertarian majority schools

President Ramos has signed an executive order suspending all incoming travel from six Libertarian-majority schools for 120 days, while also specifically singling out students from Cubao for an indefinite period. The ban effectively prevents students of these schools from entering Katipunan territory. Students seeking to transfer to the Ateneo have also had their applications rejected. The schools affected are 

  1. STI College Recto – Currently affected by the SomaTI Civil War.
  2. The University of Manila – Stable, with only 1% of the population that can be defined as “Objectivist,” but has rejected Ramos’ bid to build a “Ramos Dormitory”
  3. Elizabeth Seton School – President Ramos explained the ban in a tweet, saying”Because Elizabeth Seton believed in radically empowering women, and not in the good way, like they do in Miriam. “
  4. Far Eastern University – A leaked conversation says that President Ramos said that as a U-Belt school, it was susceptible to Radical Objectivism.
  5. /6. Xavier and ICA due to the Edsan Civil War. Curiously, LSGH, a DLSU-backed school, is not affected.



President Ramos’s executive order was to be implemented “immediately,” causing chaos in LRT Stations and Jeep stops all over the Katipunan area as OSCI Inquisitors were deployed to screen all incoming traffic for banned students. While the ban is in effect, students from the listed schools will not be allowed past screening and into ADMU territory, regardless of prior approval.
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